Precipice

Standing at the precipice of fear, with baited breath.  Sensations heightened, and numbed.  Wind flowing across skin, raises goosebumps, captures each escaping breath with zeal.  The roaring of the ocean pounds against each eardrum, the salt air begs to coat each living lung. Alluring vertigo drags the mind towards the sharp wet rocks sanded to silky smooth perfection at the bottom.  A whirlpool of colors; malevolent greens, transfixing blues, churn endlessly, eating at the cliffbase.  Waves like multitudinous yearning hands rise and fall out of the sea, grabbing at the passive cliff face, fading into uniform obscurity at the razorsharp horizon, giving way to endless sky.  Encasing and pressing, the featureless indigo dome stands on my head.  Inspiring, the throbbing pain behind my eyeballs.

My sight, escapes me.

Limbo

I'm so tired of this limbo I find myself in.  I wish my calculated patience were not also a convenient excuse towards prolonged inaction.  I wish I were not so terrified.  The consistent presence of that fear, hanging over me and seeming to gnaw away at the satisfaction in any given moment, makes it very difficult for efforts to seem. worth it.  I can't help but feel that some days are spent in a sort of hibernation, waiting, hoping that by some chance convenience the monster under the bed will be gone.  in a few hours maybe.  in a few days.  in a few months.  The time whittles away while I hold my breath and hope that nothing will happen, that will shake me to breaking.

And the pride.

I want to be brave enough to swallow it, fears and pride whole, bear the terrible sting of it but go out there, and live.

If only I could rest assured that it would all finally burn up in the acid of my resolution and permanently. leave. me. alone.

Hey ADD,

Fuck you.

Calm

Things are strange now.  After a long time, finally a sort of calm has settled into my life, I don't feel that I'm at the cusp of one impending disaster after another.  All there is to do now is wait, and work.  Now the test is only a test of my own character, at least its one I feel I have a possibility of passing this time around.  I'm trying my best to pick up the pieces, and account for the knots in my plan that I myself am bound to create.  Overcompensating, and overdoing is the only way I see of making it out of this successfully, I need that room to fail a little, but just not catastrophically.  I'm worried about complacency, of feeling too optimistic, and too comfortable.  That sick pervading feeling that's lingered through so many recent moments is terrible to bear, but it also has the power to propel me forward.  Without that extra push I'm easily tempted towards inaction and failure, and I know there is at least some small part of me that would love to see me crash and burn.