I'm so tired of this limbo I find myself in. I wish my calculated patience were not also a convenient excuse towards prolonged inaction. I wish I were not so terrified. The consistent presence of that fear, hanging over me and seeming to gnaw away at the satisfaction in any given moment, makes it very difficult for efforts to seem. worth it. I can't help but feel that some days are spent in a sort of hibernation, waiting, hoping that by some chance convenience the monster under the bed will be gone. in a few hours maybe. in a few days. in a few months. The time whittles away while I hold my breath and hope that nothing will happen, that will shake me to breaking.
And the pride.
I want to be brave enough to swallow it, fears and pride whole, bear the terrible sting of it but go out there, and live.
If only I could rest assured that it would all finally burn up in the acid of my resolution and permanently. leave. me. alone.
